5 Signs You’re Dating A Cheating Narcissist
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5 Signs You’re Dating A Cheating Narcissist

5 Signs You’re Dating A Cheating Narcissist

Have you ever encountered a dating partner who swept you off your feet, courted you persistently and made over-the-top declarations about the way they felt about you – only to discover they had a girlfriend or boyfriend all along? How about the ex who kept “checking in” with you over text while in bed with their spouse? Or the shady significant other who always seemed to disappear for days, only to return with excuses about their whereabouts?

You may have come across a narcissistic or sociopathic personality type. Narcissists and sociopaths are notorious for engaging in both emotional and physical infidelity. Not only are narcissists players and pick-up artists in the dating world, they are also serial cheaters in relationships.

In fact, a wealth of research suggests that narcissism is positively correlated with having extramarital affairs and more sexually permissive attitudes towards infidelity, even when there is satisfaction in the present relationship (Foster, Shrira, & Campbell, 2006; Hunyady, Josephs, & Jost, 2008; Mcnulty & Widman, 2014).

The difference between your garden-variety cheater and the narcissist is that the narcissist isn’t searching for just cheap thrills; they are searching for power and control beyond what is fathomable to normal empathic beings. Due to their stunning lack of empathy, penchant for exploitation and thirst for validation and narcissistic supply (sources of admiration, praise, sex, and any other resources they desire), narcissists create “harems” or fan clubs of admirers, ex-lovers and potential mates which they can feed off of – all while maintaining a long-term relationship with a primary partner. They have an insatiable need for validation and attention. When combined with their sense of sexual entitlement, this makes them dangerous predators who place their partners at high risk for emotional and physical repercussions.

Their ability to gaslight their victims into believing in them, their capacity to dupe multiple victims, to manipulate and manufacture fabrications long-term is what makes them such stellar performers. Frankly, the numerous ways they convincingly present a false mask and warp reality are astounding and can create massive cognitive dissonance in their victims. This duplicity allows them to dupe not only their partners but also society as a whole into believing that they are the charming, upright, moral and honest people they pretend to be.

Here are five signs you may be dating or involved in a relationship with a cheating narcissist.

1. They grandstand early on how they would never lie or cheat or even tell a tragic tale of how they themselves were cheated on.

Beware of the grandstanding narcissist who deals in contradictions and hypocrisy. Grandstanding is a habit of the covert narcissist – someone who boldly declares how honest and trustworthy they are repeatedly, yet fails to follow through with their words time and time again.

When someone constantly talks about how much they believe in integrity and honesty, that can be a red flag in itself. Ask yourself: why would someone who is truly decent and honest have to reaffirm these qualities to those around him or her? Those with authentic integrity do not have to always talk about the fact that they possess this quality – they live their integrity through their actions more than their words.

If someone appears too good to be true, chances are, they probably are. Narcissists are often wolves in sheep’s clothing. They project a different image of themselves to the world which contradicts who they really are within. They often speak in absolutes, claiming that they would “never lie” to you or cheat on you. They overemphasize their trustworthiness because they know their character is hollow.

While people who are not narcissists can do this as well, narcissists who are serial cheaters will often volunteer information early on about how they were cheated on. This is to depict themselves as the victims of infidelity when they were frequently the perpetrator of it in their past relationships.

Watch out for anyone who appears to display the red flags of cheating all while claiming they themselves were the victims of cheating. This is projection and gaslighting to keep you off-balance and keep you doubting your own instincts about their character.

2. They frequently cancel plans with you, disappear for days and you don’t hear from them until they return.

If you’re in the early stages of “exclusively” dating a narcissist, you might notice that he or she tends to disappear often without a word or cancels plans last minute (or makes plans with you last minute). You might mistake this for mere flakiness, when in reality, it could be a sign that they are knee-deep in other dates or in hot pursuit of new victims.

It’s common for narcissists to continue dating others even if you’ve both agreed to be exclusive. Narcissists have a high degree of entitlement, so they feel entitled to the rush that new supply grants them as well as sex or any other resources offered by their other harem members.

“Another common trait of the chronic narcissist is his or her pattern of not following through on agreements and obligations. This can range from the relatively mild, such as flaking out on appointments and tasks, to the highly serious, such as abandoning major responsibilities and relationships (commitments). Being self-centered and conceited, the narcissist will generally meet his or her obligations only when they suit his self-interest. Chronic narcissists do not relate, they use. They talk a good talk, but often fail to back it up.” – Preston Ni, 8 Common Narcissist Lies

Be wary of someone who constantly cancels on you or rarely responds with consistency. There is no such thing as reliability, punctuality or honesty with a narcissist – they will place their multiple romantic prospects on rotation to suit their needs at whim and they will be indifferent to the pain or inconvenience they cause their partners when they suddenly pull out of plans on the day of or when they stand you up.

In long-term abusive relationships where stonewalling is common, cheating narcissists often use periods where they’re giving you the silent treatment to pursue their other targets. That’s why you’ll find that the narcissist asks you for a “break” or might even manufacture arguments out of thin air – it’s simply an excuse to leave the relationship temporarily at bay while they explore their other options.

3. Their social media is shady and they love creating love triangles.

Narcissists and sociopaths use social media as a way to create love triangles among their targets. It gives them a sense of validation and power knowing that they have so many admirers who are willing to bend over backwards and give them the praise and attention they constantly need.

This suspicious behavior on social media can manifest in a variety of ways. Narcissists are known to be on dating apps even while committed and can also engage in obvious flirting both online and offline. Their shady behavior can range from their nefarious possession of dating apps to more innocuous online activity. You might notice that the narcissist posts strangely provocative or flirtatious comments on the photos of other attractive men or women.

Perhaps they refuse to put up a relationship status with you – or they do, but they continue to openly hit on others or add suspicious new friends who seem to be far more than just friends. They may also follow a large volume of sexually explicit accounts. If someone you’re dating exclusively (or even just flirting with) appears to already be in numerous relationships on social media all while claiming you’re the only one, it’s time to reevaluate.

If they already have a relationship status listed with someone even while claiming they are no longer with them, it’s wise to not to take the narcissist at his or her word. Either verify with the other person that the relationship really is over like the narcissist claims or detach from the narcissist completely.

You might even be in a situation with a narcissist who has no social media accounts. This could be a way for them to protect themselves – after all, if none of their other partners know that the narcissist is in a relationship, it’s far harder to be caught in this digital age.

4. You discover their other victims or their other victims warn you.

This is quite an obvious sign, but it’s one that isn’t often spoken about. If you see strange occurrences of victims that the narcissist has dated in the past calling them out publicly or going out of their way to warn you about them, take a step back. It’s common that if a narcissist has a wide pool of victims, at least a couple of them will attempt to speak the truth about what they experienced.

The narcissist will claim these people who are speaking out about them are “crazy” liars or stalkers. In their smear campaigns, they’ll bemoan how their past victims were “obsessed” with them or that they “just couldn’t let go.” It’s easy to depict past victims of narcissists as unhinged – and the narcissist knows this. They will preemptively strike by telling lies about victims so that by the time these people reach out to warn you or tell their side of the story, you’ll already be more inclined to believe the narcissist.

The truth is that the person in question is warning you for a good reason – they probably have experienced the infidelity themselves and want to prevent heartache for present and future victims. Don’t be so quick to assume that every past lover who comes out of the woodwork simply has a vendetta. Survivors of narcissists are not “obsessed” – they are often traumatized and looking for answers.

5. You catch them chronically lying – often for no good reason.

Narcissists and sociopaths are masters of pathological lying. They gain a sense of “duping delight” from being able to pull the wool over the eyes of their many romantic prospects. Sometimes, they lie to protect themselves and to prevent themselves from being caught cheating. They may lie about where they were the night before or tell elaborate tales about who the “friend” they were seen with really was.

However, other times, they may lie even when they have no reason to do so at all. For them, it’s about power – and being able to control a person’s perception gives them a thrill and sadistic sense of superiority and pleasure.

When it comes to infidelity, a narcissist or sociopath has no qualms lying to your face all while emphasizing how much they value honesty and transparency. They may have a primary girlfriend or boyfriend, even a spouse who they have (at least on the surface) committed to. Perhaps they even post romantic pictures with their significant partner and praise them on social media. However, they will not think twice about cheating on and gaslighting those same partners.

They also have no moral code that would prevent them from doing the unthinkable – no time limits or boundaries on when, where or how they’ll cheat or even who they’ll cheat with. They could be on a romantic vacation in Italy with you, all while swiping on Tinder and sending explicit videos to strangers. Or, if you’re not their primary partner, they could be spending the weekends with their girlfriend all while taking you out on weeknights. You would never know, unless you began investigating.

As they do this, the risk of getting caught only adds to the thrill. They enjoy manipulating. They enjoy the sex, the resources, the endless supply of admiration coming their way. But most of all? They enjoy being able to get away with it.

What To Do When You Realize The Truth

If you notice these red flags, know that this person is unlikely to change. The way they have mistreated you was not personal – they do this to all their victims and are loyal to no one, not even their primary partner.

It was not your fault that you were targeted by this predatory personality. However, what you do next with the knowledge you have is important. The earlier you detach from this toxic personality, the better chance you have of healing and of moving forward onto the loyal relationship you truly deserve.

References

Foster, J. D., Shrira, I., & Campbell, W. K. (2006). Theoretical models of narcissism, sexuality, and relationship commitment. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 23(3), 367-386. doi:10.1177/0265407506064204

Hunyady, O., Josephs, L., & Jost, J. T. (2008). Priming the Primal Scene: Betrayal Trauma, Narcissism, and Attitudes Toward Sexual Infidelity. Self and Identity, 7(3), 278-294. doi:10.1080/15298860701620227

Mcnulty, J. K., & Widman, L. (2014). Sexual Narcissism and Infidelity in Early Marriage. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 43(7), 1315-1325. doi:10.1007/s10508-014-0282-6

Ni, P. (2014, August 14). 8 Common Narcissist Lies. Retrieved August 26, 2018, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201608/8-common-narcissist-lies

Featured image licensed via Shutterstock.

26 thoughts on “5 Signs You’re Dating A Cheating Narcissist”

  • August 29, 2018 at 5:50 pm
    Wish I had seen the red flags! My narcissist did a real number on me, it’s been 5 months since I left and I still have some wounds that I’m trying to heal. I have thought about reaching out to his new girlfriend, but realize that he will just tell lies about me to her like he did to me about his ex-girlfriend before me. Thank you for a great article! I no longer blame myself.

    Reply

    • July 14, 2019 at 9:03 pm
      I am telling you to tell her. My husbands 2 ex’s tried to warn me when he & I first got together and I didnt believe them. HOWEVER, it wasn’t long after that I began to start seeing what they had told me as truth. Had they not have told me, then now I would be sitting here thinking it was all in my head. So please do warn her, for she will soon see that you were telling the truth.

      Reply

  • August 31, 2018 at 2:38 am
    This article perfectly describes the man i was seeing for three years. I’m no contact for almost four months and glad of it. But it’s also time to not just recover, but name and shame. These men should be publicly outed and data protection be damned. There should be a law against these types of men and the abuse they inflict. Well written and a real eye-opener. Thanks for helping.xx

    Reply

    • February 2, 2020 at 1:51 am
      please so bot single thus iur as a man only thing and laws in place to only punish men i am a man ,a professional,a civic volunteer to my comumunity very well known and liked that lived ( unknowingly to myself) with a wife of 23 yrs that was a narcicist and even when i was inforned that nothing could save our marriage from four different no connection to the other ones family counselers that each pulled me covertkt to the side to explain they had no resources that could help us and would not elaborate as to why they could not continnue to council us until we were refered to a very well known professional that gave us the Briggs Myers personality battery and when my wife blew up on him for just informing us of how well we bew each other she left furious and at that time he broke it down to me i understood then as it was heart breaking ,upon my return home? my wife changed and was the monster and smear campaign world record holder if a status existed fir that . in the end it took my attempted suicide with a handgun shooting myself right temple and yes arribung at a hospital D.O.A. a miracle documented recovery 11 days 11 staples a hole and fragmented skull and subderral hematoma later i walked out of the very same hospital i arrived to dead 11 days prior and that was not even the worst of it as a divorce followed aand i lost a life,children,a family heritage of generations of family antique belongings that were all i had left from a deaceased family of mine fast forward 9 years later and a no contact of even a word to that person and i am struggling to just barely survive ..do you think i have enough life experience to make this coment to your post in that wouldnt it be fair to say that any person that is narcissist and causes any severe damage of any kind should face some type judicial criminal actions! ? people are fast to react to crimes of violence ,ir rape ,or mental brutality but the very moment the guilty party or there representative makes the littlest mention of who they or the very person themselve bring up that famous “set free” word ” narcicist ” at that time all wrong doing is exhonerated and swiftly in the eyes of justice it just does not exist in forn of crime just as you mentioned how great it would be if these people had to face judicial action ? yes i oray for this daily hust a look at my situattion is a tranparant synopsis of the level of damage that is possible from that type abuse yet it IS NOT RECONIZED SPECIFICALLY AS A CRIME IN ITSELF WITH ANY COURT IN THE UNITED STATES YET PEOPLE LIKE YOU,MYSELF,AND MANY OTHERS MUST LIVE HAVING BEEN EXPOSED TO THIS? IN ALL FAIRNESS I BELIEVE ANY PERSON OF A NARCISSIST PERSONALITY DISORDER HAVING DESTROY ANOTHERS QUALITY OF LIFE SHOULD BE CRIMINALLY HELD TO A CRIME ,A SERIOUS CRIME ,fact that there is no medical treament currently available to cure narcicist personality disorder and these people know what they are doing and do it well and have many victims! yet all that damage is allowed by the united states! i wish for you to somehow get past what you have suffered as i do my self and any others having suffered from narcicist exppsure but please do not single it out as a mans disorder and a man should be punished when i just gave you a synopsis of my own account im a man and i am the victem from a female and i am not biased of this it is of all gender orientation that are narcissistic personality and ruin gender orientation people ..just saying

      Reply

    • April 23, 2020 at 2:47 pm
      They absolutely should be ousted. My husband is 1 of them. 10 years just gone. I completely relied on him for everything. Him and his mother and pretty much anyone they associate with does meth. I’m pretty sure they’re both narcissists too

      Reply

    • May 15, 2020 at 6:16 pm
      Its not just men. My wife has done it ALL. You wouldn’t believe the crap she’s put me through…micro and actual cheating, flirting, excessively spending and hiding $, no loyalty etc. Narcissism is an equal opportunity trait and both men and women can be one.

      Reply

  • October 16, 2018 at 3:27 pm
    THIS IS OUT OF POCKET! I am so freaking rocked by this and all of your articles! You just saved me Shahida Arabi and I am forever in your debit. I was with with the very end of the spectrum of narcissist for the last three years. A year and a half ago I started recording everything, not knowing what was going on however that something was not right. Then I educated myself. Then I started a YouTube channel “Narcissist Decoded”, seeking validation and to help educate others. Shahida I cannot express in words what your writings have done for me. Even with all the recorded proof I have (only a small amount is on the channel yet and that’s 21 videos!) there was a part of me now wanting to let go. THIS ARTICLE DID IT FOR ME! I could just kiss you! Every single thing you said here… to a T! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Please check out the channel. I have so much content including thousands of text in PDF and hundreds of voicemails and 60 videos of physical, mental emotional and spiritual abuse! I even have text and screen shots of “boyfriends” she had a long the way that I reached out to and became friends with. We are all the same guys. Same caring, giving empathetic men. I want to help you anyway I can. This is not ok and like you said in one of your other articles, the focus needs to be put on them and not the empath. I was not co-dependent three years ago. That’s why she came into my life! I had one and she sucked it dry! I own a small business and innovated three products and took them to market. In three years she has all but ran me and my business into the ground. Email me and I will tell you all and provide content for you. I am away from her however she is using the local police as a weapon against me. They believe every word she says and will not even listen or watch anything I have. It’s so not right.

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCNCw-2mhUjKDIaSbTd3YKng?

    Kris

    Reply

    • November 15, 2018 at 2:51 am
      Wow your story is so similar to mine except my ex narc is male. He totally ruined my buisness & relationship i had with a couple partners, he figured he was special enough to not show up at our buisness all week but pop in friday for a check, didnt go well with anyone. He munipulated me into helping him with $ even when i said i couldnt afford to help he would either cry & give me a sob story or tell me how mean i am & how he would do anything for me. I think he ment he would do anything to me not for me😧 i truly believe we will all heal from the mess they created & will definitly become a stronger person & learn from our mistakes. Hope your doing better

      Reply

  • October 25, 2018 at 1:03 pm
    Yep. THIS precisely describes my husband of 10 years. He’s out-of-town AGAIN(allegedly for work) lying about where he’s even at, and when I question him about his whereabouts and lies, he makes it all out to be MY fault!

    Reply

  • December 1, 2018 at 2:57 am
    OMG! 15 years, 5 years of marriage (where he bought her sex paraphernalia ON OUR ANNIVERSARY and bought me sweats and socks!) Of this BS! I wish I had known this in month 2 of the 15 yes. I’ve wasted so much of my life. My psyche is scarred. I’m a codependent, but I won’t be for long. His issue may never leave. God help me (and him}. And he sleeps peacefully every night and promises nothing, or in little effort, yet requires trust swiftly. Your article is spot on! Thank you so much. 🎉 I’M NOT CRAZY… Well maybe just a little by now 😆

    Reply

    • April 23, 2020 at 2:56 pm
      This is exactly how I feel. My husband slept with a 20 year old tramp in 2018 a few times. He’s 41 and his excuse was he was so out of his mind over us. It’s crazy. I have known him since February 2010 and will have been married for 7 years on July 5. He has taken the best years of my life. I completely relied on him for everything. I’m also really codependent and trying to become more independent. I haven’t even tried meeting others which just seems impossible. Nothing is the way it used to be. I am so angry and just filled with resentment. I haven’t seen him since July since he got on at an asphalt company and took his mother and her cat with him that was supposed to be mine and all they do is travel and stay gone. I have talked to him on video a few times but it has became non exstinct

      Reply

  • January 19, 2019 at 6:51 pm
    To anyone who is reading this and looking for answers on this personality disorder, please let me affirm YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! For a minute I was convinced I was the abuser, until I realized it was my core self who was fighting and acting out because I deep down knew this treatment was not right.

    Please keep going, keep reading, keep praying do whatever you need to do (healthy ways of course) to get through this.

    I am rooting for you, and myself as I am still healing as well.
    I do not know you, but please know that I feel, love and care for you.
    Sincerely,
    Your fellow abuse survivor

    Reply

    • January 30, 2019 at 9:44 pm
      Thank you Emily I needed to hear that. Narcissistic people will really have you doubt and blame yourself due to them playing victim for all the unnecessary drama filled bs they constantly put you through. It’s like a never ending cycle. First their nice,clingy/loving and then in a snap of a finger they turn distant,cold,disrespectful for no reason with zero warning. It’s so draining and you feel emotionally beat down. Your comment gave me hope that one day I will get pass this emotionally /mentally draining situation.

      Reply

      • February 17, 2019 at 3:08 am
        Ladies, I thought I am the only one – it made me think if I am also a narcissist or the toxic one but I realized no – too many red flags I kept on ignoring and ignoring – thank God I am getting away from it all now. I am thankful God is guiding me on the right path. I really don’t care now what he will do – it’s a cycle to him – he will not stop. The inconsistency is so spot on – the lovebombing and the devalue and discard been thru that for 3 years and it’s totally totally exhausting. But because we love them, we hang on but yes there really is enough is enough, thank you for this blog and all the others, this is really helping us – those who have actually experienced it.

        Reply

    • February 22, 2019 at 2:39 am
      Sadly, i just got the final confirmation from his stupid old hs ex FB (gotta love the newest cheaters paradise or any social media for that matter) that he is all the pile of dogp### i knew he was for the last decades, yes decades agonizing years. I have been publicly humiliated, disrespected and dishonored by the man who i foolishly made children with and raised his beotch of a daughter for. He and the fmaily have tons of money and now alientated me from children who chose to stay with him, despite all they saw, becuase he has no rules pays for everything and buys their loyalties. I now have to actaully not continue to try to have a relationship with my kids because it requires me only seeing them at his place, they refuse to come to me and they are old enough i cannot make them. I can’t imagine ever trusting a man again or myself to spot the monster from non-monsters. The women who knowingly follow and FB cheat, flirt etc with these men also are accountable, not to the same extent, but in my case they all were in relationships as well. I now have to delete my fb as i friended allof his freinds to get to the truth and now he is friends with all of my friends, so unless i go and privately email all 400 they will never know the truth about how evil he is. I have watched his friends on fb witness these inappropriate conversations and said NOTHING TO HIM WHILE HE SPOKE TO THESE BROADS KNOWING I WAS “HIS GIRL,” BUT I was weak and damaged and thought best to stick it out for my kids to have mom and dad together…you just exist in a brain fog, its a state where your brain cannot process this love of your life is actaully capable and commiting such atrocities to you while bombing you with love in your private home. Difficult to explain, those of you have experienced it know what I mean. So, when i should be sleeping i have to yet process another devastating truth…he has my home, my kids, the respect of the community as he has made me out to be the cheater/liar/abandoner of our kids/ and so many other things. I’m exhausted and beyond wounded, but will get up and do what I must do and pray for strength to evventually tell him, without needing his permission, that I am not going to be in any physical or emotional relationship. I cannot imagine how much more destruction he will bring to my life, but I’m hoping to salvage at least 1 friendship from fb and start a new page and have some sort of relationship with my children. Please pray and send positive thoughts my way. 53 and starting life is not a place anyone should ever be, but I accept I put myslef here, and I’ll make it out away eventually. Strenght and hugs to us all Anne

      Reply

      • February 25, 2019 at 7:51 pm
        Your story breaks my heart. I will be praying for you every day. This is a hard thing to recover from and your losses are so heartbreaking. I hope you can feel the prayers being offered up on your behalf. Together, we can break free, start again, and find a safe, quiet, happy, content life! With you in the pain and the healing, sister!

        Reply

    • July 31, 2019 at 5:53 pm
      Hi Emily. I just needed to read your message tonight. My ex husband is a total narcissist and I have 2 sons with him.

      We split 6 months ago and he is still trying to control me. I actually asked my family today if I am the narcissist because he can get to play with my head so much. Thank you xx

      Reply

    • August 17, 2019 at 6:25 am
      Thank you Emily

      Reply

  • July 5, 2019 at 5:59 pm
    These articles are so refreshing and healing for my soul. I am recovering from a year and a half of horrific abuse from my ex boyfriend…and this read is dead on about the CHEATING. Even when I was giving him all the sex he wanted , I constantly felt that he was having sex with other women.
    One incident upset me the most… after moving all his nice clothes shoes and cologne into MY HOME, the very next weekend after telling me he had no money to spend on us going out…. he jumped outside polished up his car and spent the night out. I called him all through the night and early morning and when I had enough of his silent treatment of not answering his phone or texts, I packed up all his stuff NEATLY and delivered it safely to his MOTHERS house. When I rang the doorbell she had a look on her face that all us women know and all I said was it is nice finally meeting you, but I can’t have your sons stuff at my home if he can’t come home….
    Needless to say when he got the news he was embarrassed and livid and even threatened me to come get his clothes , iron and hang everything back up or else it was over and I told him to go straight to hell But he hoovered me back in and this time he really punished me with verbal physical and mental abuse. He was relentless in trying to destroy me . I even felt that he wanted me to die or kill myself . It’s still hard for me to wrap my brain around a man who literally does not care how much hurt and pain they intentionally cause one or many individuals and just walk away happy knowing they caused you hurt and mental harm.
    I have nightmares, sweats, and have developed a nerve disorder after all his abuse, mental games, and cruel treatment of me. I am a fighter so I am back in the gym losing all the weight I gained dealing with him, I am trying to slowly get back into dating but really just interested in surrounding myself with family and friends that I know TRULY LOVE ME

    Reply

  • July 29, 2019 at 9:20 pm
    I feel so much better reading this article, so well written and true. For over 12 years I dated on-and-off a man exactly described in this article with periods of him “ghosting out” and only reappearing again with a seemingly good explanation, or I thought. He is in the oil business as a well control drilling supervisor/consultant; and has traveled all over the world, offshore and land. Our entire relationship was long distance since we lived in different cities and he’d be on a well site for months. Within the 1st yr I fell madly in love with him and he was my knight in shining armor during a difficult period caring for my mother with Alzheimer’s. But even with the red flags that begin to emerge and words of concern from my friends, it still did not stop me from seeing him, I simple choose to ignore only to discover he was cheating on me probably from the beginning. Months later asking for forgiveness, I foolishly took him back BUT I NEVER TRUSTED HIM ENTIRELY AGAIN. Nor did I want to marry him after that. For the last year and 1/2 I was seeing him again but from the beginning certain facts did not add up and the red flags I could no longer ignore. I finally did a background check on him and discovered he is MARRIED!! I felt so used, disgusted, hurt but most of all ANGRY! I unknowingly became his mistress and his dirty little secret. After a few months thinking of all the hurt he’s inflected on myself and past women who could do nothing, I sent a very long letter to his wife about our long history together, past and present but described the personality of a narcissist warning her he is incapable of being faithful and will always cheat. I strongly believe she needed to know her marriage based on a lie and get out of the relationship now because it’s just a matter of time before he finds another woman for his thrills,
    I wish I had this article years ago but thank you now.

    Reply

  • August 19, 2019 at 7:41 am
    This article perfectly describes a 3 year relationship I just experienced with a man. He talks as though he is a wonderful, committed, faithful, caring man. In reality, he was having sex with multiple women. When I caught him in the act he told me “I’m not trying with you ever again”. This after telling me how much he loved me, missed me (I was out of town for the day) and wanted to cuddle with me, earlier that same day. Truly sick.

    Reply

  • October 27, 2019 at 9:22 pm
    This article was spot on. I have been married to my narc for over 8 years. 3 years into the marriage, this all began. I had no idea, only suspicions, until the husband of one of women my husband was having an affair with contacted me and told me everything. Worst part about it, there have been multiple affairs. I changed my number, and emailed him that I knew everything and never to contact me again. I am filing for divorce.

    Just about everything I read, I had experienced, including lengthy silent treatments. Another way he found time to do this was to find jobs out of state, knowing that I wouldn’t go with him.

    Reply

  • February 19, 2020 at 8:07 am
    one of the best articles I’ve ever read regarding my narcissist wife . excellent ,and spot on .

    Reply

    • August 15, 2020 at 9:10 am
      Thanks for reading Jay! Glad it was validating!

      Reply

  • April 8, 2020 at 8:12 am
    I just walked away from a relationship with a woman who I dearly loved because of her narcissism. This is the second time I have had to leave her for my own good. She kept me in such a state of confusion that even when I knew in my heart and mind that she was cheating and lying she would make me doubt myself and it was very difficult to get out of it. I left about a month ago and I’ve only recently cut off all contact her and I was blamed for everything and she as always is the victim and she is without a doubt telling terrible things about me to anybody how she can use as an ally. We had dated for about ten years the first time I made myself walk away with no contact. That was about five years ago. I was aware that she had narcissistic personality disorder but reading this really hit home and it let me stop questioning myself. My problem was that because I knew she had a mental illness, and I loved her so much, I thought I could help her. I saw a wonderful person somewhere in her and I hated it for her that she degraded herself with so many other men and her self destructive behavior was sad. But living with her was pure misery and despair. The constant lies were maddening and i lived in constant confusion constantly doubting what I knew to be the truth. And if you question a narcissistic person they will attack you verbally until you avoid saying anything and it’s terrible. But I had broke it off and moved on and last winter when I went south I ran into her and she started trying to convince me that she had gotten saved and she was a changed person. I was doubtful but she was persistent and convincing and I decided to give her another chance and I told her if she was going to be anything like before that she should kindly let me be and not drag me through that again. She talked about how horrible she had been in the past and swore over and over that she would never hurt me again. Having been through it with her already I had no trust in her at all and she was always angry about that. she clearly thought that regardless of what I had seen and suffered through with her that I owed her trust. She couldn’t fathom that she would have to regain my trust. I hated to be the suspicious partner and I didn’t want to be the guy that snoops through your stuff and tells you what you can do and where you can go and I’m sure you couldn’t tell her what to do anyway but I didn’t want to be controlling. Still because I didn’t trust her i did keep my eyes and ears open and tried to keep my heart out of it and there eventually were plenty of things to be suspicious of and after about a year I caught her practically red handed and still it was all my imagination and all my fault and she had kept her word to me and not cheated on me. But she had gotten a text message from a guy and her phone was laying there and I saw the message show up on the screen and he was calling her sweetie. And when I got upset and wanted answers she caused a huge fight and left. Then she goes and spends the night with this guy and she left her google account open on the laptop and I could track her location on her iphone. So I called her the next morning and told her everything I knew and it was time to end it. But in her mind she didn’t cheat on me because she broke up with me first. She still wouldn’t admit going there and everything that happened when she was there, but she was absolutely adamant that she did not cheat. And I had seen her do that in the past too. Start a fight and break up so she could go cheat and then come back. But yeah don’t doubt your instincts and don’t think you can help them and don’t feel sorry for them. I don’t think they can ever be cured of it and they will never change. If anything I think she got worse. Don’t give them another chance to destroy your life. It was still very painful despite the fact that I tried to stay somewhat disconnected from it. I don’t think I’ll be ready to have another relationship with anyone for awhile if ever.

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    • July 16, 2020 at 11:16 am
      Charles, I read your response and thought I had written your story. Exactly like my life, lies, cheating, etc. You are correct we all believe we can save them, help them turn their life around, however their minds are so morally corrupt. I am sorry to say you cannot help these people and must move on with your life. Thanks for your story, you are not alone.

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